Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. In no way do we believe you should never start running.

Runners tout the benefits of running like it’s the cure all for every ailment. For most of us, it is because running has so profoundly changed our lives that we want to shout about it from the rooftops. We want to convince others to join us in all the running glory. When you get it, you understand. You realize running is way more than just exercise.

But the truth is, running does have a dark side. There are some legitimate reasons why someone may want to consider never lacing up running shoes. In order to save you from any pain or suffering or ridicule from your friends, it may be best that you never even think about running.

1. You will own more running shoes than regular shoes.

You used to have nice things. Now you just have 100 pairs of running shoes. Why squeeze your feet into uncomfortable dress shoes when you can be relaxed and free in your running shoes?  It’s the same thing with regular clothes. Running clothes just make you feel better. What happened to you?

2. You will have an earlier bedtime.

There will come a time when you’ll have to choose between going out with friends on a Friday night for drinks or staying home to rest because you have a long run in the morning. Some friends may not tolerate it. It’s easier just to have friends who run so they will be in the same situation.

3. Your feet will look like aliens.

No pedicure can save them. They will be calloused and blistered and your skin will never grow back the same way again. Your feet will swell and shrink. You may lose toenails. First the pinky, and then, depending on the length of your race, every single one.

4. You will need to learn a new language.

PR, PDR, GRP, Gu, DNS, DNF, Fartlek, Tempo. To speak runner, you need to know the language. So many new words!

5. You will want to talk about it all the time.

Your non-running friends will begin to avoid you so that they won’t have to hear about your last race. No worries. Everyone will see it on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter because you post about every single run

6. You will want to run all the time.

Driving down a street, you may see a runner and instantly wish it was you running. Even though you just ran that morning, you still want to run. If you are injured, you’ll want to run. If you are on a bike, you wish you were running. The endorphin rush from running is like no other.

If you can endure the horrible side effects of running, then I highly encourage you to lace up your running shoes. Running can and most likely will change your life for the better. It’s totally worth the pain and suffering just to endure the glory of a great run.


By Nichols